All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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