exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
