Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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