I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
