This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
