Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Randomize
