I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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