I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
