we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
