The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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