you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
