How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
