Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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