In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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