You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
