how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
