be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
