Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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