My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
