remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize