FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
