Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
