yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
