Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize