he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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