how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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