I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
what day is it and did you see me today?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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