i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
