This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
