i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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