I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
