We named our party play list daddy issues
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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