Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
