dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
