Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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