I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
