I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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