my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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