I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
