bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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