HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
last night I used snow as a chaser
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
