well you can't waste a boner
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
