Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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