someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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