dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
