My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
