Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
