Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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