Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I want to be your penis for a week.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
