the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
