cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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