I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
