Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
